Jumping My Bones
by Bookworm919
Summary: A fun fic filled with humour where Snape wears knickers, Ron discovers his favourite colour is pink, and Harry is oblivious but randy. HHr
1. Um, breasts?

Jumping My Bones

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Mini-prologue:

You can't honestly believe that I wasn't surprised. I was, I really was. Especially when she jumped me. Honestly, she jumped me. But I'm glad she did…really glad.

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Chapter One: Um, breasts?

It was an unnaturally sunny day and I had Quidditch practice in twenty minutes. I didn't want to go; I hated going when it was _too_ sunny because then we got tired really fast. I was considering calling it off when Hermione sat across from me. I looked at her…there was something about her, something different.

I shook it off, wondering whether the team would appreciate me calling off practice or not.

'Harry,' Hermione said, snapping me out of my daydream of being massaged by a hot group of birds…strangely enough they mostly looked like He--

'Hmm?' I asked, looking up at her. She had this curious look on her face. She licked her lips and muttered something that sounded oddly like, 'You look good enough to eat.'

'_What_?' I asked, dropping my fork with a piece of pumpkin pie still on.

'What?' she asked, looking at me like I was bonkers.

'You said something,' I replied.

'No I didn't,' she said, starting to pick up her books.

'Yes you did! You said, "Harry" and I said, "Hmm?" and you muttered that I looked delicious enough to eat,' I said, a bit hysterically. I knew she had said something. I wasn't going mad, was I?

'Harry,' she said, going around the table and she stopped in front of me. She touched my forehead and put my head between her breast. Why was her shirt so low cut and--?

Wait one bloody minute! My _face_ was between Hermione Granger's breasts. My face was between _Hermione Granger's_ breasts. My face was between her _breasts_!! Oh, Merlin.

'Harry, call off practice. You're obviously not feeling too well,' she was saying, slowly running her fingers through my hair.

But I wasn't listening to anything she was saying, I just nodded. No, I was too busy marveling at how good she smelled and how soft her breasts felt against my cheek and the warmth radiating from her and--Snape's knickers!--was that a lacy black bra?

'Harry, did you listen to what I said?'

'Sure,' I said, moving my lips on the top of her left breast. I felt her take a sharp breath and let it out slowly, which, in my opinion, was one of the best sights in the world.

'So, you think that I should shag Snape tonight?' she asked, a hint of playfulness in her voice.

'Sure…' I replied, giving into my desire and touching her left breast with the tip of my tongue. But then, slowly, the words sunk into my brain and I looked up at her face.

'What?' I exclaimed, causing everyone in the Great Hall eating lunch to look at us.

'I was just making sure you were listening to me,' she said innocently. Then she reached down to tie her shoe lace giving me a great view. She looked at me and smiled, before grabbing her books and an apple. 'I'll be under the tree reading. Call me if you or Ron need something. Where is Ron anyway?'

I shrugged, 'With Luna maybe?'

'Okay. I'll talk to later?' she asked, kissing me on the cheek and walking away.

I sat in a daze, watching her walk away, her hips swaying after every step. Since when did my best friend become so gorgeous? Hmm, skip practice and be unmercifully teased by Hermione (something we both enjoy) or go to practice, where I would train and be tired quickly (something that neither of us enjoy)?

'Hermione, wait! I'm coming with you!'

We were sitting under a shady tree, Hermione reading and me watching her read. It was quite a sight, seeing her expressions change with every sentence she read--admittedly it was kind of hard to see her actual _face _seeing as my back was against the trunk and her back was against my chest but you know what I mean. Anyway, what was even more tantalizing--more so than her biting her lip-- was the amazing view. She was now resting her head on my shoulders so this gave me an amazing view down her shirt (not that I was staring of course, I was looking at the book) and indeed, it was Perfect. I continued looking down when y brain faintly registered that she was calling me.

'Harry,' she was saying. I looked up, blinking.

'Hmm?'

'Do you mind not staring at my breast?'

'Um, breast? What?'

'Yes, breasts. Stop staring at them, it's quite uncomfortable.'

'Oh, sure…'

'You're still staring!'

'I am? Sorry, I'll stop now.'

'Still staring.'

'Well, I can't help it! I just want to-'

'…'

'Oh, God, I'm sorry!'

'Please take your hands off of my breasts,' she said.

'Um, breasts? What?'

A sigh. 'Yes, the things that you are currently holding.'

I looked down and sure enough, there they were. Oops. How did they get there? 'How did they get there?' I asked.

'You put you're hands on them,' she sighed. But it wasn't a "Merlin-I'm-lonely" type of sigh. No, more of a "When-is-he-going-to-open-his-eyes?" type of sigh. If I wasn't so thick, I probably would've figured this out. Alas, I am but a 17 year-old guy. And I was too busy marveling on how perfectly they fit in my hands…I tried to resist the urge to squeeze but it was too hard not to…I squeezed them. Oh, Merlin--

Suddenly, my brain shut down because I currently had a pair of soft, warm lips on mine. Oh, yes, this is what I've been waiting for. And rapidly everything was spiraling out of control and the next thing I knew she was on top of me, moaning my name and I growling her name and then it was all over. Over. All in all it took about 10 minutes. Just 10 bloody minutes. But a good 10 minutes. _Very good._ Now she's next to me, cuddling in my arms, our robes covering all the important bits.

'Harry,' she was saying.

'Hmm?' I mumbled, my eyes drooping.

'Harry. Harry. Harry? HARRY!'

Abruptly, I was jolted back to reality. 'I've been calling you for almost two minutes. Where did you go off to?'

I blinked and groaned, leaning my face into her hair. It wasn't real. Just a very graphic dream. A _very _graphic dream. I closed my eyes in her hair and groaned again. I dimly noticed that my hands remained in their original place.

'You still have them in your hands.'

'…'


	2. Fancy a Shag?

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A/N: Nothing belongs to me. If I was Rowling, I'd be rolling in cash. Please review.

Chapter Two: Fancy a Shag?

I was going slowly insane just by looking at Hermione. According to her, the "breast-grabbing incident" was quickly forgotten.

This became evident when she said, 'This "breast-grabbing incident" is going to be quickly forgotten,' once we got to the castle.

Well, the fact that she has now started to wear shirts and blouses with a low neckline is really making it hard for me to forget the incident. Little wench, that girl.

After coming back to the castle, we sat down for some dinner since daydreaming about Hermione under me (or on top, depending where we are) has given me an appetite. I wonder how actually shagging Hermione would affect my eating pattern…

'Fancy a shag?' Hermione asked me and I groaned. Oh, no, I'm hearing things again.

I shook my head and asked, 'What?'

'Fancy a fag?'

'What?!' That really surprised me. I mean, Hermione smoke? No, they don't even belong in the same sentence. 'What?' I asked again.

A sigh of exasperation greeted me. 'I said, "Fancy some lamb?' They have some today. Merlin, Harry,' she said, putting a generous amount of lamb on my plate (did she think the rest of the Gryffindor house wasn't going to eat?), 'You should get your ears cleaned out. Honestly!' Apparently she doesn't like how I was eating, because she said 'Honestly!' pretty loud…

'Is there a problem?' I asked, looking up at her innocently.

'No,' she said, shaking her head. We ate in silence after that; the only noise coming from all around us of laughter and the clanking of eating utensils ('utensils'? Where did that come from? Isn't 'forks and spoons' the same thing-? Oy vey, Hermione's rubbing off on me) Once she was done, we got up and headed towards the staircases bound to the Common Room.

Hermione was biting her lip--which usually means she's deep in thought--so I didn't bother with small talk. Once we got up to the Common Room, we noticed it was relatively empty, save for the 2 first years sitting in the corner snogging. Merlin, those kiddies are fast!

'Hey!' Hermione called out and the two broke apart, blushing and looking guilty. 'Go down to dinner.' The two rushed out of the portrait hole and once they were out of earshot, we both burst out laughing.

'Merlin, those first years are fast!' Hermione said, catching her breath.

'My thoughts exactly,' I exclaimed, which incited another round of laughs. Pretty soon we were both panting for breath.

Oh, no. Panting. Hermione panting. Not a good idea.

Suddenly, I wished desperately for me to have the chance to make her pant like that. An image burst in my head, an image of her gasping my name as I--

'Harry!' she cried, snapping me out of my daydream once more. Why, oh, why, couldn't she have snapped me out of my Voldemort daydreams? Nooo, she has to go and bring me back to reality when I'm freakin' doing fantastic things to her--

'Harry!' she yelled again. 'Stop spacing off.'

'Sorry. A lot on my mind,' I mumbled. Well, it was true. I had _a lot_ on my mind. And by _a lot_, I mean Hermione.

She then yawned and stretched her arms over her head. Bloody hell, Hermione! Don't do that! Why? Why must she torture me? She stopped and drooped her arms down. She poked her stomach and said, 'Hmm. I seem to be loosing my figure,' which, in my opinion, is something so un-Hermione like, so I knew something was up.

I looked down at her and laughed, something I never should've done because suddenly she was glaring at me with such intensity, I thought that she would burn a hole through me.

'No, no, I didn't mean to laugh,' I said quickly, walking towards her and sitting on the carpet. She followed the suit and sat in front of me. 'I mean, you aren't loosing your figure.'

She laughed and laid her head on my lap. Oh, bleeding hell. _Snape's knickers, Snape's knickers, Snape's knickers!_ I chanted silently in my head. I tried to concentrate on what we were talking about…oh, yes! Her figure. I looked down at her, her head on my lap, and imagine my surprise when I see Hermione unbuttoning her shirt.

'What are you doing?' I nervously asked her, as she was getting nearer to the buttons that covered her magnificent breasts.

'I'm showing you my belly,' she replied innocently. She continued until there were only three little buttons left. I swallowed. She smiled at me and I grinned back, gulping audibly. Hermione looked back down at her stomach and poked at it.

'See?' she said. I shook my head and leaned over to poke her belly. I felt her shiver as I trailed my fingers down her tummy and up towards those three glorious buttons. Slowly, I undid one button and I gave a silent cheer since she didn't stop me. I nervously undid the button on the top, letting my fingers linger on her exposed skin. 'What are you doing?'

'Whatever you want me to do,' I replied, slowly and gently undoing the last button. I gasped, letting my eyes devour the sight before me. Her brilliant breasts, covered by a lacy cream coloured bra, rising and falling quickly as I trailed my fingers over them. _Please let this not be a dream, please let this not be another dream!_ I screamed mentally, enjoying all this intimacy.

All of a sudden, the portrait hole opened and in came the entire Gryffindor house. What? No! Not now!! My eyes widened at the prospect of them catching a half naked Hermione Granger and a randy Harry Potter in the middle of the Common Room. When I turned to look at her, she was standing in front of me, her shirt fully buttoned, and offering me a hand.

Merlin, she's good.


End file.
